There were lines that I couldn't change

She's a little different from the last time I posted about her. She's peaceable with me, and is trying to keep our relationship on a positive note. She's not disrespectful, although she can still have a mouth. But on the whole, she's a lot better. Jehovah has helped me to understand her a lot better, but that doesn't mean that I like it.

She wants to move, but doesn't want to lose contact with me. It's important to her that she not lose me. Which is fine and dandy. But it still hurts that she's changed to be the person she is now. I've done everything I can to persuade her that moving away is not the answer. That we love her, and let's get back to the three musketeers we used to be. But she's not the same person anymore. Like I said before, the daughter I raised, died. The one that stands before me is a totally different person; A person I don't like. The one before her died, and she's never coming back. I cry almost everyday for my lost. My daughter is dead, and there's nothing I can do about it. She's never coming back. I'm trying to deal with this one, but it's not easy. I don't trust her. She says she's just going away for a while, and she'll be back, and we'll all get a house together--I don't believe her; She's deceitful, and I can't trust her.

I don't believe her when she says that she hasn't left Jehovah. If you can barely go to the meetings, but can go anywhere else you want; if it doesn't bother you that you aren't doing His will, and is making no efforts to correct that by getting back out in the service, even for five minutes at a time, or write letters to start off; if you won't call the elders for help to get back to Jehovah, then you've left Him. You just don't want to admit it. I'm so disappointed in her. All she thinks about is herself. She keeps herself separate from me and her sister mentally--we can only get so close. She can't explain why she wants to leave. Well, if you can't explain it, you must be up to no good.

A lot of it has to do with our relationship, but I truly believe that just as much of it has to do with that wordly guy and her distress over not being able to be with him. Nothing in this world should cause you to fall spiritually weak and risk your relationship with Jehovah (Nothing or no one) No man is worth it, and she'll learn that lesson. If you allow someone whom Jehovah does not approve of cause you to slack in your service to Him, then you deserve what you get. I'm going to help her as much as I can, but it's really up to her, isn't it? She wants to move to another area. I think it's because she won't be pressured into going to the meetings. And also, so she can do what she wants as regards this wordly guy without anyone seeing her. That's why she doesn't want to stay in the complex we're moving to, or in this one. Other people know her, and she's afraid they will see her doing what she really knows is wrong. That's what this is all about.

IN MY PLACE

How do I begin? I thought the moment I left my old life behind, things would be better for me. I could move on with some simblence of happiness--wishful thinking! Better yet, hoping and praying that it would be. I said goodbye in my last post thinking I would never have to come back--I was wrong. My oldest daughter (once the best daughter in the world) fell for the charms of a wordly man at her school. All the years of spiritual training that Jehovah gave her, all the training that I gave her, especially concerning wordly men, just flew right out the window. Didn't mean a thing when it finally came down to maintaining her integrity.

She changed from the most spiritually, loving, warm, thoughtful, loyal daughter to a spiritually weak, disrespectful, mean, unloyal, cold-hearted person who thinks of only herself. It's like I lost a child in death. The daughter I knew and raised, died, and this one replaced her. And I grieve almost everyday because I don't think she's ever coming back--This change seems so permanent. During the downfall of all of this, something inside her snapped open, and mentally she's not the same. I think something is wrong with her mentally now. Of course, she blames everybody, especially me, for her change instead of owning up and taking responsibility for herself.

Before she fell into satan's snare, she and I had a bond like no other mother and daughter. Our relationship went beyond that of even a husband and wife. She would have rather cut her arms off than disrespect me in any way. The thought of leaving me would have killed her. Now, we're not close anymore and never will be. Although the stress of it all has turned her around some to where she wants to be peaceable with us, and the disrespectful tantrums are gone, there's still a lot missing. She still keeps herself emotionally separate. And while she wants to help me and take care of me, she still wants to leave me, move away, and she can't explain why. She just needs to leave and be on her own. The days of "I'll never leave you--"Wherever you go, there I will go also"--"You and me together forever"--are gone, and it's ripping my heart out. I will never have my old daughter back (she's dead) And now, all I can do is grieve--alone.