IN MY PLACE

How do I begin? I thought the moment I left my old life behind, things would be better for me. I could move on with some simblence of happiness--wishful thinking! Better yet, hoping and praying that it would be. I said goodbye in my last post thinking I would never have to come back--I was wrong. My oldest daughter (once the best daughter in the world) fell for the charms of a wordly man at her school. All the years of spiritual training that Jehovah gave her, all the training that I gave her, especially concerning wordly men, just flew right out the window. Didn't mean a thing when it finally came down to maintaining her integrity.

She changed from the most spiritually, loving, warm, thoughtful, loyal daughter to a spiritually weak, disrespectful, mean, unloyal, cold-hearted person who thinks of only herself. It's like I lost a child in death. The daughter I knew and raised, died, and this one replaced her. And I grieve almost everyday because I don't think she's ever coming back--This change seems so permanent. During the downfall of all of this, something inside her snapped open, and mentally she's not the same. I think something is wrong with her mentally now. Of course, she blames everybody, especially me, for her change instead of owning up and taking responsibility for herself.

Before she fell into satan's snare, she and I had a bond like no other mother and daughter. Our relationship went beyond that of even a husband and wife. She would have rather cut her arms off than disrespect me in any way. The thought of leaving me would have killed her. Now, we're not close anymore and never will be. Although the stress of it all has turned her around some to where she wants to be peaceable with us, and the disrespectful tantrums are gone, there's still a lot missing. She still keeps herself emotionally separate. And while she wants to help me and take care of me, she still wants to leave me, move away, and she can't explain why. She just needs to leave and be on her own. The days of "I'll never leave you--"Wherever you go, there I will go also"--"You and me together forever"--are gone, and it's ripping my heart out. I will never have my old daughter back (she's dead) And now, all I can do is grieve--alone.