I'm All right!

I'm trying to express what I'm going through emotionally at this time. Number one, it's all overwhelming. On the one hand, I'm so elated that I finally took steps to get him out of my life. That for the first time in my life, I won't have to live in an abusive household. I'll be free! Then on the other hand, I'm stressed, mad, discouraged, tired (so very tired), and getting more impatient as time goes on. My daughters are looking for jobs, especially my oldest, but it's so hard. The only ones that are open are the ones she can't take because of religious reasons. Why do we keep getting those? We pray and pray for Jehovah to please bless our efforts to find a job, but it seems like we're getting nowhere--it's depressing. We have a few hundred dollars left in our bank account, and we're desperate. After this month, I don't know what we're going to do.

In order to get him out of the house, we need to be able to pay for everything. It makes you wonder: where is Jehovah? What is He waiting for? Doesn't He see how desperate a situation we're in? Been in for months? Does He even care? What is He waiting on? Sometimes I get so angry. Trying to get Jehovah to act before your last dollar runs out is like waiting for a big slab of granite to move; And it's frustrating! We need jobs, and we need them now. I wish I didn't have to ask Jehovah for help at times, that way I wouldn't get stressed and frustrated. I just want to get on with my life. Why won't Jehovah let me?

You see, this is how I'm feeling right now. And I shouldn't have to feel this way. I should feel that indeed Jehovah does care for me; that He is concerned about my situation. But I don't. I'm afraid of what's going to happen. Will we be comforted by Jehovah's decision concerning our lives (decent jobs before our money runs out) Or will it be just another difficult problem to deal with (no money to pay our bills, losing the house and having to move to a low income area) and still be expected to carry on as if it doesn't hurt? It's like no one even notices your pain, nor care.

We'll see...

Na-na-na- I'm going to start a fight!

This is supposed to be my last month here; I'm not supposed to see 2009. This is the month he planned to have me killed so he could collect the insurance. He might try something, or have someone come after me, during our annual "celebrating life" party my daughters and I have every Dec. I'm going to have to be extremely watchful this month, especially during the party. My lawyer is taking her time with my case. She says she trying to get him to just give up and sign the papers. I know patience is golden, but I'll be so glad when this whole process is over and he's out of my life forever; him and his sons. He's mean and violent. But the only way he can get back at me now is by throwing some of my property away that he thinks I won't notice: Let's see how he likes it.

He goes to the kingdom hall and pretends to serve Jehovah, fooling everyone into thinking he's so righteous. All the while, he's maliciously planning to hurt me and maybe my daughters. I mean, this man is-well was- going out in field service hypocritically representing Jehovah's organization while he holds murderous intent in his heart. How can he TRY and take away the only loving parent, and family, my daughters have? Does he ever stop to think what this will do to them? The devastation it would cause? They've been through so much already. But of course he doesn't care. He's never cared about anybody but himself as all abusive men do. Does he really think Jehovah doesn't notice? That he'll get away with all he's done and will try to do in the future? THE ANSWER IS NO!!! Jehovah knows everything that's in his heart. That shows how stupid, and how big of an idiot he is!

I'll just keep praying and relying on Jehovah that my daughters and I will get the victory over him, I get what is rightfully mine, and that I'll still be here when all of this is over. I just want this over and to move on with my life. I want my emotional health back, and to be able to get off those anxiety pills I have to take everyday.

So What! I'm still a rock star!

It's been three months, and a lot has happened since then. One of the happiest days of my life was the monday morning he was served. I wish I could have been there to see the look on his face as he was embarrassed and put on notice that his reign was about to come to a halt. I expected fireworks when he got home later, but I guess he knew better.

I had to take him to court to force him to pay me every week; it's only $150 dollars, but it's something until the judge decides the alimony and everything else I deserve. My lawyer wants to set up a mediation, but there's no way that will happen if I can help it. I'm not about to sit across a table from that Black Hitler while he tries to demean and belittle me on how much I will or won't get, and what I do and do not deserve. The abuse is over. How can there be a mediation of any kind with someone who's intent is on trying to have me killed for the insurance? Yesterday, Nov.4, he had the phone cut off again even though he's under court order to pay it. That shows right there that he has no intention of cooperating in a peaceful settlement. I can't stand to look at him, much less sit across a table from him in a closed room.

This has all been very stressful for me and my daughters. But with Jehovah's help and support, we're getting through this. One day, hopefully soon, he'll be completely out of my life, and I'll never have to smell or look at his ugly face ever again!

my journey

Hello, my name is ann. I thought I'd start this blog to, not only help me deal with what I've gone through in an abusive marriage over the years, but also what I have to go through now. A couple of months ago, I discovered some insurance premiums that "the estranged one" took out, making himself sole beneficiary in case I should die. Was I surprised? No! But before, when it was easier to ignore him and go about my life downstairs in the house we share while he stayed upstairs, now I'm forced to take action to ensure I'm still alive next year. A few months ago, he was just yelling out how he doesn't care about me or my daughters. So, why would someone who can't stand the ground I walk on, insure my life, keep the premiums hidden so I wouldn't find them, and then take out a secret p.o. box so the information wouldn't arrive at the house? There's only one reason: he plans to have me killed.

So, I've started divorce proceedings; and in two weeks he will be served. I wish I had done this years ago. I really do. I will regret waiting so long--34 years--to finally be free of the bullying, the tyranny, the constant threats to me and my children, walking on egg shells--you name it! Whatever it took, I did it to keep peace. Why didn't I just leave? For one, because of religious reasons; and I'd like to leave it at that if you don't mind. Number two, I had four kids, no family support (I had to deal with this on my own). And in my time, there was no real help for a woman in a violent situation. You call the cops, he's back home the next day, and you have to live with him and the consequences of angering him more. You try to move out, and you're faced with living in a very poor area barely able to support your kids by yourself. And you can't protect them when he has visitation rights; I knew I could at least protect them if I kept them close when he was around.

This is my journey of finally being free of this man. I already have a lawyer--step one--and like I stated earlier, he'll be served in two weeks--step two. The tension from that will be felt around the globe; But I don't care. I'll be ready. I wish I could see the look on his face when he realizes his secret plan of trying to kill me has been exposed; and all his family, friends, and our religious organization will know what kind of person he really is. Now maybe, I'll be believed. I'll let you know what happened.